So, there are two ways you can approach this thing. Confront the misery and pointlessness of existence head-on, or slather the year in so much walnut-whip the one can barely taste the horror beneath. Shall we go with the sunny-side-up approach? Why not?
(Fergus is helping me write this. Thus far all I've got from him is, literally, "Blah blah blah blah blah")
2015 started with New Year. No one was killed in a terrorist attack. Or at least no one we know. This was the recurring theme of the year, for family Davey.
(Fergus would like to point out to you that he resents the time I am taking to write this and would much prefer to spend the time playing the Doctor Who game on the CBBC website)
It's difficult to pinpoint an artistic highlight of the year. In 2014 both Fergus and Jonathan were shocked and appalled by Jonathan Jones' outspoken attack on, well pretty much everything. They both plainly felt he should cut the crap and say what he really thought. But with no particular artistic windmills to tilt at last year, Mr Werewolf (well worth a look) come in second place to the Hoxton Garden natvity production, 'The whoopsy-daisy angels', which was both uplifting and uplifting. Barely a dry eye etc.
(Fergus proud to point out he had lead part as one of the whoopsy-daisy angels)
Following in the footsteps of Bertie Wooster we took the boys to Cannes. They were largely unimpressed. "Trite, provincial and above all, French", was Jonathan's analysis. I find this a little shocking given what we paid for the plane tickets, and the fact that he was addressing his comments directly to the Mayor, but what can you do? He's such a precocious little chap.
Other travels were pretty successful. We got very wet once we'd actually located the accommodation at Acton Scott farm. Fergus and Jonathan didn't care in the slightest as they got to hang out with Little Robin, Adam, Russell, Zoe, Frances etc. I then, somehow, managed to run DougStock III in Ironbridge in a reasonably successful way. It appears that 29 adults and 17 children were successfully billeted and none of them died. Many thanks to those who assisted in the noble endeavour. They don't know who they are.
I walked 30 miles in a day. If you think that is stupid, Colin, Abi and Robin walked about 150 miles in 5 days.
(Fergus has just noticed that a new box of 'Rice Krispies' has arrived and is eagerly crunching into it, but given that this is occurring in 2016 I'll keep it back for next year)
I didn't tweet a single thing in 2015. Which makes the world a slightly better place I feel. In general I kept my output of abusive, anonymous, misanthropic internet comments to a minimum this year, and thus met (more or less) my New Years resolution.
It rained a lot. You may have noticed.
One significant occurrence was the decision to swap household insurance provider. We'd been happy with the service paid by Bradford and Bingley over the two years we'd been in the house (which, to be fair, entailed us giving them money and asking nothing from them in return, as we'd neither been burgled nor the victims of arson) but sometimes it comes to the point where it's best, for all parties, to make a change. Will update you all in a year's time to let you know how it's going.
(Fergus left in disgust at this point)
There was some significant progress in my ability to pass myself off as generally competent, as well. We got a shed. WE GOT A SHED. I've even added some shelves to it and the haven't fallen off yet. And a bit of board where all the tools hang from hooks and you draw an outline round them to remind yourself which tool hangs from which hook (Nb. Don't do this using spray gun tools make excellent stencils but you have then painted tools bright pink. On one side). I also replaced the broken door of a washing machine, which I think basically means I've qualified as a plumber.
Coincidentally all four of us had birthdays in 2015. This year we gave the boys presents, which they enjoyed. Or at least had the good grace to pretend to enjoy.
Absolutely nothing of significance happened at work, but Kate went to Paris in December and returned with a global deal to tackle climate change, properly. So one of us has something to brag about. When I stand before the Pearly Gates I wonder if I can use the fact that I helped her with her packing for the trip as leverage?
Brunch was cancelled.
So there you go. A fairly swift, quick, whistle-stop, detailed, roller-coaster, insightful, lively and above all tawdry run through our year. And all in 140 characters.
Enjoy 2016 and above all don't get killed by some pathetic medieval religious nutter with a crap job and no girlfriend.